心碎比我们知道的 还要更会在暗中滋生。这就是我们会重蹈覆彻的原因，即使我们知道这么做会让我们感觉更糟糕。关于大脑的研究指出，脱离一段爱情会启动的大脑机制，和成瘾者要脱离古柯碱 或鸦片这类物质时是一样的。

　　And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him. Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix. This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they’re addicted. They know when they’re shooting up.

　　卡西在经历的就是脱离。她的海洛因就是和雷奇在一起，但她得不到，她无意识的大脑选择用她和他的记忆当作止痛药，她的直觉告诉她，她是在试着解一个谜团，但她真正在做的事，是给自己注射毒品。就是这样，让心碎很难治愈。成瘾者知道自己有瘾。他们在注射毒品时是有自觉的。

　　But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.

　　但心碎的人没有。但你现在知道了。如果你的心碎了，你不能忽略它。尽管冲动很难抗拒，你仍必须了解，你每一次的回想，你发出的每一则讯息，你花在社交媒体上追踪前任情人的每一秒钟，你都只是在满足你的瘾，加深你情绪上的痛苦，让你的复原变得更复杂。

　　Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It’s a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon. There is no breakup explanation that’s going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel. So, don’t search for one, don’t wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction. And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it’s over. Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.

　　度过心碎并不是一趟旅程。它是场战斗，而你的理智 是你最强的武器。没有任何分手解释会让人感到满意。没有逻辑理由能带走 你所感受到的痛苦。所以不用去找理由了，不要再等理由了，就接受你得到的理由吧，不然就自己编一个，然后就让这个问题安息，因为你需要那个结束，来对抗你的瘾。你还需要别的：你得要愿意放手，接受感情已经结束。不然，你的大脑会再给你希望，让你无法前进。当你心碎时，希望是非常有毁灭性的。

　　Heartbreak is a master manipulator. The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have when your heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it. We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars. All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.

　　心碎，是操弄大师。它利用舒适当手段，让我们的大脑去做的事，和复原所需要的完全相反，这手段很强大。当我们心碎时，最常见的倾向之一，就是会理想化那个让我们心碎的人。我们花数小时的时间去回想他们的笑容、 那笑容带给我们的感觉有多棒，及我们爬上山在星空下做爱的时光。这唯一的效果，就是 让我们的失去变得更痛苦。我们知道这一点。但我们仍然允许我们的大脑陷在这不断重击的循环中，彷佛我们被自己被动攻击的 Spotify 音乐播放列表给挟持当人质了。

　　Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so, to avoid idealizing, you must balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn’t speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone.

　　心碎会让那些念头出现在你脑中。为了避免理想化，你得要将它们平衡掉，做法就是回想起他们的 皱眉，而不只是笑容、 他们带给你多不好的感觉，以及在做爱后，你们下山时迷了路，吵得非常凶，两天都不说话。我告诉我的病人，编汇一份详尽的清单，列出这个人不适合你的每一点、所有不好的特质、所有惹你恼火的事，然后把那清单放在手机里。

　　And once you have your list, you must use it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session, I go, "Phone, please."

　　一旦你列出了清单，你得要使用它。每次与病人会面，当我感觉到有一点点理想化 或是最微弱的怀旧之情要浮现时，我会说：「请拿出手机。」

　　Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect. But they were not, and neither was the relationship. And if you want to get over them, you must remind yourself of that, frequently.

　　你的大脑会试着告诉你他们很完美。但他们并不完美，你们的关系也不完美。如果你想要熬过去，你就得提醒自己这件事，常常提醒。

　　None of us is immune to heartbreak. My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company. Five years after his wife died, he finally felt ready to start dating again. He soon met Sharon, and a whirlwind romance ensued. They introduced each other to their adult children after one month, and they moved in together after two. When middle-aged people date, they don’t mess around. It’s like "Love, actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."

　　没有人对心碎免疫。我的病人，米格，五十六岁，是软件公司的高阶主管。在他的太太过世五年后，他终于觉得准备好 可以开始再次约会了。他很快就遇到了沙伦，接着展开热恋。一个月后，他们把彼此介绍给对方的成年子女认识，两个月后，他们开始同居。中年人约会不浪费时间。这就像《爱是您，爱是我》 遇见《玩命关头》。