2018-07-09 14:02



  At some point in our lives, almost everyone of us will have our heart broken.


  My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school. She would meet her future husband by age 27, get engaged a year later and get married a year after that. But when Kathy turned27, she didn’t find a husband. She found a lump in her breast.


  She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries, and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world, she found a lump in her other breast and had to do it all over again. Kathy recovered, though, and she was eager to resume her search for a husband as soon as her eyebrows grew back in. When you’re going on first dates in New York City, you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.


  Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love. The relationship was everything she hoped it would be. Six months later, after a lovely weekend in New England, Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant. Kathy knew he was going to propose, and she could barely contain her excitement.


  But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night. He broke up with her. As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --he simply wasn’t in love.

  但那晚,雷奇并没有向卡西求婚。他和她分手了。尽管他对卡西的关心很深 ──他真的关心过── 但他就是没有爱上她。

  Kathy was shattered. Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery. But five months after the breakup, Kathy still couldn’t stop thinking about Rich. Her heart was still very much broken. The question is: Why? Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman unable to marshal the same emotional resources that got her through four years of cancer treatments? Why do so many of us flounder when we’re trying to recover from heartbreak? Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?

  卡西很震惊。她的心真的碎了,她现在又要面临一次复原。但在分手后五个月,卡西仍然无法不去想雷奇。她的心仍然支离破碎。问题是:为什么?为什么这个极度坚强且坚定的女性,没有办法去整理这些和她四年癌症治疗同样的情绪来源?为什么有这么多人 试着从心碎中复原时,都那么挣扎?为什么明明这些处理机制 能帮我们走过各种人生中的困难,却在我们的心碎时刻,完全派不上用场?

  In over 20 years of private practice, I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak, and what I’ve learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path. You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.

  我私人执业的时间超过二十年,我见过各种年龄层、各种背景的人 面临各种心碎,而我所学到的是:当你的心碎了,你平常所仰赖的那些直觉会一而再,再而三地 引导你走向错误的路。你就是不能相信你的大脑告诉你的。

  For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on. Yet time and again, when we are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy, we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.

  比如,我们从关于心碎的人的研究得知,清楚了解为什么感情关系会结束 对于我们能否继续 走下去是很重要的。但,一而再,再而三,我们得到的是一个简单且诚实的解释,就像雷奇给卡西的解释,而我们不愿接受。心碎会造成非常戏剧性的痛苦,我们的大脑告诉我们,它的成因一定也是同等戏剧性的。

  And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist. Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic get away with Rich that soured him on the relationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.

  那种直觉十分强大,甚至会让最理性、最慎重的人,都会想出些根本不存在的谜团和阴谋论。卡西深信,在她和雷奇浪漫之旅的过程中 一定发生了什么事,导致他对这段感情感到不快,而她变得执着在要想出原因是什么。

  And so, she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in her mind, searching her memory for clues that were not there. Kathy’s mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?


  Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it’s going to make us feel worse. Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids. Kathy was going through with drawl.


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