The key to being a better conversationalist is to be an attention-giver rather than an attention-getter. This means you begin to concentrate more on the person you’re speaking with, and on gratifying their needs instead of your own.

　　想成为侃侃而谈的人，关键是给予关注而不是获得关注。这意味着你要把更多的精力集中在和你讲话的人身上，满足他们的需求而不是自己的需求。

　　Use People’s Names More

　　多说对方的名字

　　We are more likely to be in tune with others when they say our name. Dale Carnegie, an author of public speaking and interpersonal skills books, previously said our names are “the sweetest and most important sound” to us. In conversation, you can use this to your advantage by asking for their name, and then dropping their name occasionally throughout the conversation later on.

　　当别人说出我们的名字时，我们会更可能和他们保持在一个频道上。公共演讲和人际关系类书籍作者戴尔.卡耐基曾说过，对人们而言，自己的名字是“最甜美、最重要的声音”。在交谈中你可以充分利用这一点，先询问对方的名字，然后在后面的谈话中偶尔提到它。

　　The ability to remember someone’s name has been linked to people being more likely to help you, more likely to buy from you, and is seen as a compliment. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research found using people’s names is a complementary means of persuasion. When we hear our name, we automatically shift our attention to the speaker, which creates an illusion that we are important.

　　记住别人名字的能力让你更容易获得帮助、更有可能售出商品，这种行为被视为一种赞美。《消费者研究期刊》上的一项研究发现，使用人名是增强说服力的方法。当我们听到自己的名字时，会自动把注意力转移到说话者身上，产生一种我们很重要的幻觉。

　　Encourage People To Talk About Themselves

　　鼓励人们谈论自己

　　Talking about ourselves triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money. A study in PNAS found individuals place high subjective value on opportunities to communicate their thoughts and feelings to others. This engages neural and cognitive mechanisms linked with reward.

　　谈论自己能像食物和金钱一样让我们的大脑产生一种愉悦感。《美国国家科学院院刊》上的一篇研究发现，个体在交流思想情感时会带入强烈的主观价值。这里涉及到与奖赏有关的神经和认知机制。

　　Self-disclosure is so extreme people were willing to forgo money in order to talk about themselves, according to the researchers. An attention-giver will give their undivided attention to the individual, and allow them to focus the conversation on themselves to feel important.

　　研究人员称，自我表露是非常极端的，以至于为了谈论自己，人们可以不去想金钱。一名注意力给予者会全心全意地关注对方，并允许他们把谈话焦点放在自己身上，使他们感到自己很重要。

　　Repeat The Last Three Words

　　重复最后三个单词

　　Repetition is ideal when it comes to good communication skills, especially repeating the last three words of a conversation; this is known as "The Echo Effect." Simply repeating the last two or three words an individual said in a sympathetic, questioning tone will allow the conversation to go back to the person, and make them feel more important. A study in Journal of Language and Social Psychology found mirroring people’s words can be a very important skill in building likability, rapport, and social cohesion.

　　重复是完美的沟通诀窍，特别是重复一次谈话中的最后三个字：这就是所谓的“回声效应”。用感同身受、带着疑问的语气简单重复一个人说过的最后两三个字，就会让对话回到对方身上，让他们感觉自己更加重要。《语言与社会心理学期刊》上的一项研究发现，重复别人的话语是建立好感度、融洽气氛以及社会凝聚力的重要技巧。

　　Emphasize Similarities

　　强调共性

　　Naturally, we tend to bond with people who are like us. However, we seem to be unaware of this fact. A study in Evolutionary Psychology found when individuals were asked what they wanted in a partner, the majority said they would prefer a complementary partner rather than a similar one. However, the individuals were more likely to choose a partner who they thought was very similar to them.

　　我们天生倾向于和同类建立联系。然而，我们似乎没有意识到这点。《进化心理学》上的一篇研究发现，当被问到想要什么样的伴侣时，大多数人表示，他们更喜欢和自己互补的伴侣，而不是和自己相似的。然而，人们更可能选择自己眼中的同类作为伴侣。

　　In reality, this shows we’re not influenced by our friends after we meet them, we organically gravitate towards them because they’re just like us. With total strangers, we can use this to our advantage, and shift the conversation to topics you’re both interested in. This gets them to talk about things they like, as you’re being receptive about this similarity.

　　事实上，这说明我们和朋友见面后不会受到他们的影响。我们自然而然地被他们吸引，是因为他们和我们很像。和完全陌生的人接触时，也可以利用这点，把谈话引到你们都感兴趣的话题上。这样对方就能够谈论他喜欢的事情，因为你对这种相似性很容易接受。

　　Gossip Positively

　　正面八卦

　　Not all gossip is bad gossip, especially when it comes to compliments. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found what you say about others colors how people see you. If you compliment people, you’re likely to be seen positively; if you complain, you’re likely to be associated with those negative traits you hate. When you gossip about others, listeners unconsciously associate you with those characteristics you’re describing, eventually having those traits ’transferred’ on to you.

　　并非所有的八卦都是不好的闲话，尤其是赞美的话。《人格与社会心理学》杂志上的一项研究发现，你对别人的评价会影响别人对你的看法。如果你赞美别人，听众也会用积极的眼光来看待你;如果你抱怨别人，听众可能会把你和那些你讨厌的消极品质联系在一起。当你八卦别人的时候，听众会不自觉地把你所描述的那些特征和你联系在一起，最终把这些特征“转移”到你身上。

　　Rule of thumb: if you’re going to gossip about people, do it in a positive way.

　　经验法则：如果你要聊别人的八卦，就聊正面的内容。