Problems such as stresses brought on by circumstances (new job, moving, living somewhere too small, a new addition to the family, etc) are often fairly easy to address and work on. They are usually a blip unless they are ignored and turn into some of the bigger things below. None of the things listed mean your relationship is heading for divorce unless one, or both of you, are not prepared to work on it, either because one of you no longer wants the relationship to work, or can’t admit anything is wrong. While you are both still committed to making it work, there is always hope.

　　婚姻中，由于一些环境因素带来的压力引起的问题相对来说较为容易解决，例如新工作、搬家、住房太小或新增家庭成员等。通常，婚姻出现问题都会有一些迹象，除非你对它们视而不见，以至于演变成下面这些大问题。这里所罗列的问题并不意味着你们已经走向离婚的道路，除非你们当中有一位或两位都没打算修复这段婚姻，又或者你们当中有人不想继续婚姻关系，或不愿承认关系出现问题。如果双方仍想维持婚姻，总会有希望存在。

　　Not having enough sex. This does not mean you need to head to the divorce courts. It’s the mismatch that matters. If you want more, or less, sex than your partner, that can cause problems. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do, it’s what works for you as a couple. Unless there’s an underlying psychosexual or medical reason, a lack of sex is usually a symptom of a deeper relationship problem rather than the issue itself.

　　性生活减少。这不是说你们要去离婚法庭，关键问题在于二人之间的不协调和不匹配。如果你比伴侣想要的性生活更多或更少，那么问题就会出现。否则，别人怎么样并不重要，最关键的是夫妻之间什么样的频率最合适。除去潜在的性心理或生理原因，性生活减少通常是深层次婚姻问题的一个表现，关键问题不在于性生活本身。

　　Spending time together. Date nights are not necessary unless you want them to be. But not having them does not mean your relationship is doomed. However, if we replace “date nights” with “spending time together”, that is important. It can be going for a walk, watching a film or cooking together. What it does is say “I’m making you a priority”. Otherwise there is a risk of disconnection. If you don’t make time for each other, you can’t know what’s going on with your partner and without that there will eventually be a loss of intimacy. What make you a romantic, rather than a purely functional couple, is being emotionally intimate.

　　共度时光。约会之夜倒不是必须的，除非你们想要这种方式。但即使没有约会之夜，也不能说明你们之间完蛋了。如果我们把“约会之夜”换成“共度时光”，这就非常重要了。你们可以一起散步、看电影或一起做饭。这种做法其实是在告诉对方“你是我的第一位”。否则，你们可能会有分手的风险。如果你不为对方腾出时间，就无法了解对方身上发生的事，最终你们会变得不如以前亲密。要想成为一对浪漫夫妻，而不仅仅是沦于柴米油盐的夫妻，最重要的是感情上的亲近。

　　Appreciation and gratitude. These are really important and if they go (or were never there in the first place) this can start to lead to one of the four bigger warning signs below. It’s not about the grand gesture, but small, everyday signs of appreciation. Saying, “I really appreciate how hard you are working for the family,” or even just doing things like making someone a cup of tea. However, in couples therapy there are the Gottman Institute’s “four horsemen of the apocalypse” signs, which are good to know about and look for. These are warning signs that we would look for in therapy that may signal a relationship where the problems go a little deeper and is in trouble, unless the couple are prepared to recognise and work on these areas.

　　欣赏和感激。这两点非常重要，如果它们已经消失不见(或一开始就没有)，则会出现以下四个严重危险信号。我说的不是那种装腔作势的、宏大的夸赞，而是一些微小的、融入日常生活中的赞美。比如说“非常感激你为这个家做的努力”，或仅仅为对方冲杯咖啡泡杯茶也可以。在夫妻关系治疗中有一些戈特曼研究所的“天启四骑士”式的迹象，了解和注意这些迹象是有益的。我们在治疗过程中会寻找这些警告信号，它意味着婚姻中存在的问题可能变得严重了，或关系陷入僵局，除非夫妻做好准备来正视和解决这些问题。

　　Criticism. If you or your partner criticise each other habitually, you are attacking their personality. Over time, this will breed resentment. If one person is constantly criticising the other partner this can become a huge problem.

　　批评。如果你或你的伴侣习惯性地批评对方，其实你们是在攻击对方的人格。久而久之，仇恨会生根发芽。如果一方总是批评伴侣，将会出现大问题。

　　Contempt. This is the hardest to work with but not impossible as long as it’s named, recognised and both of you are prepared to work on it. But if one consistently looks down on their partner, is dismissive, constantly rolling their eyes at what the other says, mocks them, is sarcastic (and not in jest) or sneers at their partner, then they are seeing them as “less than”. Contempt can closely follow behind loss of respect.

　　轻视。这是最难解决的问题，但并不是不可能，前提是双方要正视、承认并且准备好一起解决问题。但如果一方一直轻视伴侣，即蔑视，对伴侣的话翻白眼嘲笑他们，即讽刺(不是开玩笑)，或讥笑伴侣，则他们认为对方“不如自己”。如果一方开始不尊重对方，接下来很可能就是轻视对方。

　　Defensiveness. If you can’t talk to one another because one or both of you are defensive, this can be a problem because you won’t be listening to one another’s point of view and, over time, you will switch off. Communication is key to working on any relationship problem – without that you can’t get anywhere. Defensiveness can lead to “blame tennis” where each person is just lashing out in defence: “You did this.” “Yes, but you did this.” You’re indignant and everything is a battle. You’re so busy defending yourself that nothing gets resolved. If you can stop, get some perspective and give each other space and time to talk and listen, you have a hope of sorting this out.

　　自卫。如果你们之间因为一方或双方自卫心理强而导致无法交流，就会出问题，因为你不愿倾听对方的观点，久而久之，你们会越走越远。交流是解决问题的关键-没有交流你寸步难行。自卫心会导致双方为了自我防御而猛烈抨击对方，投掷“责怪之球”：“这是你干的。”“没错，但那是你干的”。你会愤愤不平，所有事情都像一场战争。你光忙于自我辩护，什么事都没解决。如果你能停下来思考一下，给对方空间和时间去诉说、去倾听，才会有解决问题的希望。

　　Stonewalling. This is when one person retreats, won’t talk, and will block the other person. It usually happens if the person stonewalling doesn’t want to hear what’s being said, either because they are afraid of it or can’t deal with it, or both. This can result in the person being stonewalled desperately trying to talk to the other; they may even try to trigger a row to get the stonewaller to react and talk. It results in an awful atmosphere and can eventually make the person being stonewalled too afraid to have any sort of discussion because they are afraid of the silent treatment. This then shuts down any hope of communication and reconciliation.

　　交流障碍。这种情况下一方会退缩，拒绝交谈并且将对方挡在心房之外。如果设置交流障碍的一方不想听对方说什么，通常就会发生这种情况。他们要么是因为害怕，要么是没办法解决问题，或者二者皆有。这可能导致被阻挡在外的一方拼命找对方谈话;他们甚至会引发争吵来使对方回应或交谈。它会导致氛围极其糟糕，最终使被阻挡在外的一方害怕任何形式的交谈，因为他们害怕被沉默以对。这就断绝了任何交流和和解的希望。

（编辑：何莹莹）