学生初三年级，准备到澳大利亚读高中，学生的学习目标是在写作这一技能上达到150字议论文标准，学生自己认为最苦恼的是无法实现字数的目标，下面这篇作品是学生在课堂上学习了开头段和主体段结构的前提下书写的：

　　Many people love traveling and I love it too. Some place is interesting and some place is very quite and boring. I really like American and I dislike Switzerland.

　　I think there are many part is better than Switzerland In America. In the first place, American is very convenient. If you wants to buy something, like food, phones, camera or any other things, you can buy it very fast and you can get something you want in many ways: in store, supermarket, even the Internet, but in Switzerland, It's very quite, you will feel scary in Switzerland, because there are only a few people there. In weekends, the store are all stop selling, because they are stay at home for a rest, so if you want to buy something in Switzerland, it will be very hard.

　　The bad thing in Switzerland is quite but the good thing in Switzerland is quite too. Maybe old people is good in Switzerland but for me, I will think it is very boring.

　　Switzerland is quite and comfortable and American is convenient and cool, but I think I'm fit for American.

　　第一段被指导以后学生自己改写的版本：

　　Many people love traveling which is also my hobby. Every place has its own characters, and in the cities which I have been to, my favorite city is Los Angeles in America but I dislike Zurich in Switzerland.

　　这么改写的原因之一是两个国家相似点比较少，建议更改成比较自己去过的两个城市;二是学生非常排斥语法称谓，所以采用避开语法称谓，尽量在短段落里练习一种高级一点的句式这种方法。比如这一段就集中练习定语从句。在改写完第一段以后，我们分析了主体段的观点可能性，分开写作，我负责写两段主体段的结构，学生负责重写第一个主题段，最重要的是学习举例法的应用。

　　我给出的主体段的版本：

　　In the first place, concerning whether the life in the city is convenient or not, I find Los Angeles is better than Zurich. In Los Angeles, I can taste different flavors of food from all over the world and I can go shopping any time anywhere I want. However, when I travel to Zurich, I just can never get my basic needs from the stores, because a great many stores are open only for two or three hours a week.

　　In the second place, concerning whether there are kinds of entertainment in the city, I have to admit while I get plenty of fun in LA, I have nothing to enjoy in Zurich at all.

　　这两段的改写主要是基于学生的写作水平基础上给出表达比较对照的结构，等待学生举例的应用就可以合成改写后的主体段了。

　　下面是学生改写的第一个主体段，使用数据支撑的例子展开观点：

　　I think there are many parts are better than Switzerland in Los Angeles, like shopping, food ... In Los Angeles, there are many convenient shops, usually they work 24 hours a day, that you can buy something you need at any time, and fast food restaurants are very important part of America, Los Angeles. People always have lunch there, so there are many fast food restaurant next to the street or a company. There are many shopping, too. When I traveled in Los Angeles, i can go to a big shopping mall for just 20 minutes, so you can buy many things fast.

　　学生这段改写语法错误比较多，也跟他排斥语法所以学得很慢有关。除此之外，举例的数据应用令人满意，毕竟是初中的一般水平，取得一点点进步就非常值得鼓励。

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（编辑：何莹莹）