When you’re a nice person, conflict can be a real challenge. Not that mean people are any better at conflict; they just enjoy it more.

　　如果你一直待人友好，那么当你遇到矛盾的时候，确实是一个很大的挑战。这不意味着刻薄的人们更能应对矛盾的发生，只是因为他们更乐在其中。

　　How you handle conflict determines the amount of trust, respect, and connection you have with your colleagues.

　　你处理矛盾的方式就决定了你与你同事之间的信任、尊重以及联系程度。

　　Conflict typically boils down to moments when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions differ. And you cannot master these moments without a high degree of emotional intelligence (EQ).

　　一般来说矛盾产生于事情严重性大、情绪紧张以及观点不一致的时候，若你没有高水平的情商就很难处理这些情况。

　　With a mastery of conflict being so critical to your success, it’s no wonder that, among the million-plus people that Talent Smart has given an emotional intelligence test, more than 90% of top performers have high EQs.

　　既然处理矛盾的能力对个人成功是如此至关重要的，那么也难怪，在超过百万人参与的，由Talent Smart公司开展的一项情商测试显示，超过百分之九十的顶尖表现者都有着高水平的情商。

　　New research from Columbia University shows that how you handle conflict can make or break your career. The researchers measured something scientifically that many of us have seen firsthand—people who are too aggressive in conflict situations harm their performance by upsetting and alienating their peers, while people who are too passive at handling conflict hinder their ability to reach their goals.

　　来自哥伦比亚大学的最新研究发现，一个人处理矛盾的方式将会成就或损害个人的事业。研究人员们利用科学方法测量了某些我们可能曾经亲眼看见的东西——在矛盾出现的时候，那些过于好斗的人们将会因其打击和离间同伴的行为损害自己的工作表现，而那些过于被动的人们则会阻碍他们达到目标的能力。

　　The secret to effective handling of conflict is assertiveness—that delicate place where you get your needs met without bullying the other person into submission. Assertive people strike a careful balance between passivity and aggression (that is, they never lean too far in either direction).

　　有效处理矛盾的秘诀就是果断——既能达到目的又不会逼迫他人屈服的微妙之处。果断的人能够在被动和好斗之间找到最精确的平衡点(也就是，他们绝不会太偏向任何一方)。

　　How To Handle Conflict Assertively

　　如何果断自信地应对矛盾

　　It’s easy to think that nice people are too passive. While that’s often true, unchecked passivity can boil over into aggression. So there are plenty of very nice people out there who have exhibited both extremes of the assertiveness spectrum.

　　不难想象，友好的人都总是太被动。虽然这种情况通常是真的，不过未受限制的被动也有可能演变成好斗。所以有好多待人友好的人也会展示出果断度量衡上的两个极端的性格。

　　To be assertive, you need to learn to engage in healthy conflict. Healthy conflict directly and constructively addresses the issue at hand without ignoring or trivializing the needs of either party. The strategies that follow will get you there.

　　为了变得更坚定而自信，你必须学会参与到健康的矛盾当中。健康的矛盾处理并有建设性地突出当前的问题，既不会忽略或降低某一方需求的重要性。以下的策略能够帮助你达到这个境界。

　　1. Consider the repercussions of silence.

　　1. 想想沉默不语的影响。

　　Sometimes it’s hard to muster the motivation to speak up when the likelihood is high that things will turn ugly. The fastest way to motivate yourself to act is to fully consider the costs of not speaking up—they’re typically far greater than not standing up for yourself. The trick is that you need to shift your attention away from the headache that will come with getting involved to all of the things you stand to gain from your assertiveness.

　　有时候，我们很难在事情可能变得更糟的时候集中情绪大声说出来。激励自己行动的最快捷方式就是充分考虑不大声说出来的代价——通常来说远比不为自己发声更大。技巧在于你需要把自己的注意力转移过来，从可能会陷入所有事情带来的头疼转移到站起来因果断发声的收获。

　　2. Say “and” instead of “but.”

　　2.说“以及”而不是“但是”。

　　The simple act of replacing the word “but” with “and” makes conflict much more constructive and collaborative. Say, for example, that your teammate John wants to use the majority of your budget on a marketing campaign, but you’re worried that doing so won’t leave enough money for a critical new hire. Instead of saying, “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, but I think we need to make a new hire,” say “I see that you want to use the money for marketing, and I think we need to make a new hire.” The difference is subtle, but the first sentence minimizes the value of his idea. The second sentence states the problem as you see it, without devaluing his idea, which then opens things up for discussion. Saying “and” makes the other party feel like you’re working with them, rather than against them.

　　简单地把“但是”换为“以及”将会使得矛盾变得有建设性、有合作性多了。比如，你的团队同事John想要使用你的大部分预算来参与一场营销战争，但是你担心这么做就不能留下足够的资金来招聘一位重要的新员工了。与其说“我了解你想要利用这笔资金进行推广，但是我想我们需要招聘一位新人，”而应该说“我了解你想要利用这笔资金进行推广，并且我觉得我们需要招聘一位新人”。这两句话的差别虽然很微小，但是第一句把他本人的想法的重要性降低了。第二句话陈述问题的形式就像你所看到的，没有降低了他的想法的重要性，也为后续的讨论打开的通道。说“以及”能够让对方感到你正在与他/她合作，而不是搞对抗。

　　3. Use hypotheticals.

　　3. 使用假设性说法。

　　When you assert yourself, you don’t want it to look like you’re poking holes in their idea (even when you are). Hypotheticals are the perfect way to pull this off. Telling someone, for example, “Your new product idea won’t work because you overlooked how the sales team operates” comes across much more aggressively than suggesting the hypothetical, “How do you think our sales team will go about selling this new product?” When you see a flaw and present a hypothetical, you’re engaging with the original idea and giving the other party a chance to explain how it might work. This shows that you’re willing to hear the other person out.

　　当你为自己坚定发声，你不希望看起来在挑别人的刺(即使你真的是这样的时候)。使用假设性的说法就能完美地避免这个雷区了。比如说，你告诉某人“你的新产品概念行不通因为你忽略了销售队伍的运营方式”这样只会让人感到非常挑衅，倒不如假设“你认为如果我们采取了这种方式销售新产品，我们的销售团队的适应性如何?”当你发现了一个缺点，并且提出一个假设，你就在参与到最初的概念当作并且为对方提供一个解释新点子运作的机会。这样显示出你很愿意听取别人的意见。

　　4. Don’t speak in absolutes (“You Always” or “You Never”).

　　4. 语气切忌过于绝对(“你总是”或“你永远都不”)。

　　No one always or never does anything. People don’t see themselves as one-dimensional, so you shouldn’t attempt to define them as such. Using these phrases during conflict makes people defensive and closed off to your message. Instead, point out what the other person did that’s a problem for you. Stick to the facts. If the frequency of the behavior is an issue, you can always say, “It seems like you do this often.” or “You do this often enough for me to notice.”

　　没有人总会或总不会做某种事情。没有人会觉得自己是肤浅的人，所以你不要试图给对方下这么一个标签。在发生矛盾的时候使用这样的词汇只会引起人们的防备心并且拒绝接收你的信息。与其指出对方使你不爽的地方，倒不如用事实说法。如果这种行为常常出现，使你困惑，你可以这么说“似乎你常常这么做。”或“你做这件事的频率太高了，连我都注意到了。”

　　5. Ask good questions until you get to the heart of the matter.

　　5. 学会提问，直达问题的核心。

　　Failing to understand the motive behind someone’s behavior throws fuel on the fire of conflict,because it makes everything they do appear foolish and shortsighted. Instead of pointing out flaws, you should seek to understand where the other person is coming from. Try asking good questions, such as Why did you choose to do it that way? What do you mean by that? and Can you help me to understand this better? Even when you don’t see eye to eye, using questions to get to the underlying motive builds trust and understanding, both of which are conflict killers.

　　无法理解某人行为背后的动机则会给矛盾火上加油，因为这样使得对方做的任何事情看起来愚蠢不堪，目光短浅。与其指出对方的缺点，你应该尝试理解对方的出发点。尝试提问不容易回答的问题，比如“你为什么会选择这个方法?”“你这么做的出发点是什么?”以及“你能不能跟我解释一下这个方法?”即使你们无法意见一直，也可以利用问题直达隐藏的动机，建立起信任与理解，这两种都能化解矛盾。

　　6. When you challenge, offer solutions.

　　6. 当你提出质疑的时候，请提供解决方案。

　　People don’t like it when they feel as if you’re attempting to take apart their idea right off the bat. When you challenge someone’s idea, but also offer a solution, you demonstrate that you want to work together to come up with a fix. This reinforces the value of their idea, even if it’s full of holes. For example, you might say “One potential problem that I see with your idea is ___. However, I think we can overcome this problem if we can just figure out a way to___.” In this example, you aren’t even providing the solution. You’re just acknowledging that you’re willing to work together to find one.

　　人们都不喜欢那种你想要把他们的点子马上捏碎的感觉。如果你对某人的点子存在质疑，请记得同时提供一个解决方案，你要表明自己希望跟对方一起寻找解决方法。这样能够增强对方点子的价值，即使点子满是漏洞。比如，你可以这么说“对于你的点子，我发现了一个潜在的问题，那就是——，然而，我想我们可以解决它，如果我们能够想到一个——的方法。”在这个例子里，你甚至并不是提供解决的方法，你在承认着你很愿意跟别人共同努力寻找解决方法的意愿。

　　Bringing It All Together

　　综上所述

　　Mastering conflict requires emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people know how to craft their message in a conflict, whether they’re naturally assertive or not. They take other people’s feelings into account while still asserting themselves confidently.

　　处理矛盾需要情绪智商。高情商的人知道如何在矛盾之中传递自己的信息，无论他们本人是否性格果断。他们会考虑别人的感受，同时也能自信地为自己发声。